oh shit!

you know that moment between tripping and actually hitting the ground? that split second where things seem to pause or move in slow motion...the time it takes for your brain to realize there's a stapler (or ball or rock or fist or whatever) flying at your head and the second it takes for your brain to process it then you suddenly feel the pain? that moment.

well someone sent me an email today where a few of those moments were captured on camera so i thought i'd share. some are funny...some will make you cringe but all of them should make you say "oh shi....."

enjoy (and be glad it wasn't you).

i don't know if he just fell on his own (no one else seems to be on the ground with him) and the car ran over him or if he got hit by the car OR if he was trying to hand the person in the car something but either way he won't be feeling good in a second. at least it looks like his bike didn't get messed up.


look at the guy's face that actually got hit. he won't be buying cracker jacks or popcorn or anything other than ensure shakes for a while. but that's not the only funny thing in this picture. check out the lady behind him and her reaction. hilarious. then there's a few people not even close to him on the far left that jumped more than he did. but the best one is the little girl to the left that just put her hands up because other people were doing it and the lady directly behind him who kept eating her popcorn/cracker jacks and isn't even flinching. THAT is priceless.

so this one is in the "slow motion" phase. at this point he's wondering how he's about to make this work with as little pain as possible. the fact that he's posing like he's flying gets him some cool points but all that cool shit will be out the window in a second or two.

at least it's his teammate. can't be too mad at your teammate. especially if you're the one that fell in front of him in the first place.

this one is good because you can actually see the "oh shit" face on the guy riding the bike. he already knows the wheel is gone. he already knows he's about to eat it and he already deserves to have his face planted for wearing that rag like mrs. butterworth instead of wearing a helmet.

this one actually made me cringe. i think the tip is going to break skin again. but even if it doesn't this one is kind of hard to look at and not rub or grab your own leg. but again...this one was completely avoidable. people run from and play with bulls because there's a chance stuff like this might happen. so you can't really be that mad or surprised when it does. you're actually kind of asking for it when you really think about it. it's like smoking cigarettes and being shocked or depressed when your doctor tells you that you have cancer. you kind of had it coming.

another bull one. i swear the whole running of the bulls thing makes me feel like they were asking for it. this guy is just an idiot. he should have just run and dove as far as he could have. it looks like he just kept running like he could run on water. so he'll make it to the water but the bull actually jumped and will be coming in on top of him in a second. good luck david blaine look-alike.

i really don't feel bad for these guys. even less so than the last two idiots. i know it's a mexican tradition but when you get several guys around dressed in pink michael jackson outfits stabbing a bull with swords and playing with him i don't know about you...but i kind of start rooting for the one with the horns. this guy will probably never shit right again in his life. he might not have kids either. he's actually probably a little past that moment and already feeling the pain.

this last one is definitely at that "oh shit" moment. it doesn't get any closer than this. this picture should be in the dictionary next to the term "oh shit." this one is going to hurt. and his friend who has a perfect view will be telling everyone this story for a while. kneepads: check. elbow pads: check. helmet: check. braces and broken nose: check.

just be glad none of these cats was you.

pimpin since been pimpin...

how funny is it that the first city Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton will campaign together in with her supporting him is named Unity, New Hampshire? isn't that cute?

he cut a check to cover the millions she ended up in debt (mainly for being hard headed and not gracefully bowing out sooner) and now it's all love in the Democratic party. which i think they need to defeat George Bush Vol 2 (McCain...who is even older, crankier and more hell bent on going to war with the entire world than retarded ass Bush is) even Bill said he'd support Obama in any way he could during his campaign to the white house. although i'm sure he's disappointed he won't be able to run around the white house pinching secretary asses...or will he?

look at this picture of Hillary & Barrack arriving as allies for the first time on the same jet. is it me or is that the "girl i can't believe you are still that flexible after putting Bill put all those miles on that old wrinkly monkey...you're an old ass freak!" look on Barrack's face and the "yeah...that first leg was a little hard to get behind my head but once i got that first one up there..." on Hillary's face.

i'm saying...Barrack might have tapped that ass on the plane ride. i mean we all can admit he's a smooth talker right? even his critics say he has no experience and just hypnotizes people with his words and eloquent manner. so why couldn't he talk ol' Hillary Rodham out them draws? it can't be that hard. she's old and probably lonely cause Bill is out with the young(er) honeys and she has to be so tough and stern all the time running for president. she might enjoy being handled every now and then. not to mention Barrack cut a check to cover her campaign debts.

now before the ladies send me any hate mail or leave some crazy anonymous comments. no...if a man buys you dinner or takes you to the movies you do not OWE him anything or have to give up the draws. but...if that man cuts a check for $26 million dollars to get YOU out of debt? well then yes you owe him not only the draws but all the freaky gutterbucket shit you said you wouldn't do after you were out of college. i'm talking magic city pornographic freaknik 96 type shit. be mad if you want. that's almost $30 million. she should have backflipped butt ass naked into the jet like "Barrack...come get this ass baby it's yours daddy."

i'm sayin...

don't believe me? look at this picture...

look at Barrack. look at him! anyone with any dating or sexual experience knows that's the "look like i'm listening while trying to figure out how i'm going to get her out them bloomers (Hillary's too old for sexy draws like boy shorts & shit)" trick. and she (like most women at this point) has no idea he's plotting on her and thinking about all the nasty shit he's going to do to her while she genuinely is just telling a story and making conversation. his ass isn't listening to all that bullshit. that man has a plan. THEN he's wearing a tie that matches her pant suit? that's not coincidence...THAT'S PIMPIN! that's game!

now...we all know Bill is a playa and far from a hater (game recognize game). and we KNOW how Bill gets down. so...Hillary is on board supporting Obama and taking private jet rides with the same man she spent a year talking shit about (and harsh too...not just regular campaign politics between fellow party members). Bill might be loaning that old cougar out in return for Obama letting Bill run a few hoes around the white house after november. i'm saying...is it really that far fetched?

all i'm saying is...Will Smith and Jada can't be the only swingers out there right? that's all i'm saying. it could happen.

wackest rappers alive cont...

i don't know how i missed this dude the first time i posted the top 5 wackest rappers alive but he definitely deserves a spot in the top 5 if not the number 1 spot in that list. better late than never. i would probly move tony yayo to number 6 and leave khia in the 5 spot with this cat being on the list at number 1 or number 2 (probably tied for number 1).

Plies

in the game since: 2006

recent quotable: "if i wahn't married to the streets it'd be you/yo lips what make you so cute/love when you poke yo mouth out when you mad too/save your number in my phone under lil boo/jus gave her a nickname it's wet wet/cause when we finish she mess up all my bedsets"

people who bought the album: are probably women who keep ending up in fucked up dumb going-nowhere relationships and have no idea why they're man isn't about anything (hint: if your selection in men is anything like your taste in music...)

aside from looking like a ghetto version of kirk franklin and sounding like he's half way retarded this has to be the worst rapper of all time in all of the categories i used rate the people on the list. on top of that he calls himself and his crew goons. goons are not just thugs they've always been known as the dumb ass thugs so it's self explanatory. this is another artist who can't possibly write the rhymes he spits because there's no way someone actually puts time and effort and comes up with anything this cliche, played out, elementary and mentally simplistic. for these reasons and absolutely no depth or originality in anything he's spit i give you Plies...the wackest rapper alive. in the words of Lil Wayne (which supposedly has started some beef with Plies) "ok you're a goon but what's a goon to a goblin?"

consider the list edited!

peace.

5 wackest rappers alive...

everyone is always trying to make lists of who the hottest emcees or the best rappers of all time are but it never ends up being agreeable because depending on where you're from you might not agree (although i think there are some people who are hot whether you feel them or not). then on top of that we can't seem to move on past 2pac and Biggie unless you say best rappers alive right now etc. but either way...i'm tired of the hottest emcees alive lists so i thought i'd change it up and make a top (or bottom) 5 wackest rappers alive.

the funny part is after looking at everyone that's in the game right now this list was almost harder to come up with than the top 5 because there are so many wack people out there putting out garbage ass music over hot beats (and some not so hot beats). the problem is most consumers now pay attention to the beat and ignore any attempt at lyrics. because of this a wack rapper can pay for a hot beat and make it big with a hit that a 12 year old could have written.

so let me say before i reveal the rappers on this list...in making this list i was judging them on several things:

1. lyrical skill: pretty self explanatory, how good of an emcee are they lyrically (strong lyricists include Lupe Fiasco, Eminem, Andre 3000, Jay Z)

2. flow and ability to ride a beat: do they sound the same on every song or do they actually know how to ride an instrumental? (good examples of people who have incredible flow are Jay Z, T.I., Andre 3000, Kanye West, Ludacris)

3. overall creativity and originality: (are you saying the same shit we've heard a million times and basically just reciting old Jay Z lyrics or are you actually trying to be creative and come up with something we haven't heard?)

4. diversity & growth: finally they will be graded on whether they actually have some depth and diversity and if they've been out for a few albums...have they grown or pretty much stayed where they were when they came in the game or if they just say the same shit over and over and over and over again and are on the same shit they've been on from jump. also...let me just say before i do this...if you disagree i really don't care. you may just have bad taste and not know it. i don't blame you...some people like liver & onions for dinner and think cuba gooding jr can act so you're not alone...some people like wack things.

with that said...here's your list...the "Top 5 Wackest Rappers In the Game."

1. Shawty Lo (wackest of the wack)

in the game since: 2007 (solo) 2005 (with d4l)

recent quotable: "hey-hey-hey, hey how you doin it's L-O/seven seat three i'm the one in the middle/and i don't need a beat i can rock it acapello/no one but two, all i needed was a skittle"

people who bought the album: should be shot.

quite possibly retarded...shawty lo is hands down one of the most garbage rappers of all time dead or alive. he was the wackest person in a wack group. he was able to make a buzz by admittedly paying radio stations to play his music. from the dumb ass "retard running in place" dance to the horrible lack of skills he is easily the top contender in any "wackest of all time" list. if they put the subject "wack rapper" in the dictionary shawty lo's picture should be next to it with the words "L-O...dey know dey know."

2. dj paul (of three 6 mafia...on left)

in the game since: 1995

recent quotable: "now lawdy lawdy lawdy lawdy please lord have some mercy/this girl throwin judy i think she bout to hurt me/see she went front back then she went side to side/i'm throwin blanky jankies i think i need a ride."

people who bought the album: must like juicy j or just felt like wasting $15 bucks.

i would be surprised if anyone told me dj paul actually writes lyrics. because if he's taking time to sit down and write and still coming up with this shit he'd be better off and save time just going in and freestyling. the fact that he took a ridiculously wack hook written by his two retarded assistants and actually recorded it ("what you lookin at...i ain't a mirra") is even more evidence that dj paul is garbage. even worse...after watching their show i realized that even with the perception of being rich and winning an oscar they STILL couldn't get any honeys to their house overlooking hollywood hills. you have money and a house overlooking hollywood hills and you STILL can't get any hoes to the crib? talk about pathetic. the one subject he did try to rap about (pimpin) just went out the window at that point too.

3. jim jones

in the game since: 2004

recent quotable: "i'm in the coop relaxin/you see the roof collapsin/we on top of things and we got them things/but we only sell them birds, you tryna cop a wing?"

people who bought the album: must be from harlem or must not be able to recognize the real from the fake

first can i just say the whole "i'm a rapper and i sell drugs" shit is played OUT. like...several years ago played out. combine that with the fact that this cat changes his voice when he raps/talks to try and sound hard with more bass and that's even lamer than the drug talk. the icing on the cake is him trying to be a blood but claiming he didn't bang when confronted at the nba all-star game in los angeles. new york cats or people in other states period than CA that all of a sudden just become gang bangers (ie lil wayne & baby, young jeezy, cam'ron etc) are in a category of their own for how lame they are. like Jay said "BIG you'd be ashamed to see new york gang bang/Pac you'd feel the same thang." Even 50 cent said "new york niggas copy shit like it's all good/fuck around be crip walkin the wrong hood." so at least someone has addressed it. then he starts beef with Jay Z about how he's balling...are you serious? that's like sam bowie telling kobe bryant he can't ball. THEN after dissing Jay he turns around and quotes Jay in several songs...so sad. but aside from his lack of lyrical talent all the other above mentioned items make him one of the wackest rappers alive without question.

4. tony yayo

in the game since: 2000

recent quotable: "i lay my pimp game down when it comes to these bitches/they do what i say and obey all my wishes/wash all my clothes and my dirty dishes/i turn a sweet bitch into a switch blade mistress."

people who bought the album: i really don't know. if you bought this album there's really no hope for you. sorry.

tony yayo had to either kill someone for 50 back in the day when they were hustling, do time and take a wrap for 50 one of the times he went to jail or he must give better head than Karrine Stephans cause there is no explanation for why 50 disses young buck and treats lloyd banks like shit yet he loves this cat to death when he's the ONLY one in the crew that doesn't sell records. regarding him being garbage; he's 53 years old, spits rhymes a 12 year old could write and has no idea how to ride a beat. he tries...i'll give him that so he's not the wackest on this list but he's still in the top 5.

5. khia

in the game since: 2002

recent quotable: "i'm not the one to tolerate you fucking other hoes/so you don't wanna act right then you gots to go/cause i'm hot fo sho that's how it goes/like a game of 4 squared d man gots to go."

people who bought the album: probably thought they were supporting a mentally challenged retired-stripper who was now a single mother rapping to feed her kids.

my neck my back was a club hit in the south and even that was wack. on top of that this girl tried to call herself queen of the south when no one knows who she is anymore. then she shows up on vh1's miss rap supreme (queen of the south battling nobody ass emcees on a reality show? yeah...) and got kicked off the first episode for spitting old written lyrics trying to demand respect WHILE MISSPELLING RESPECT! (r-e-s-p-e respect me r-e-s-p-e respect me). this is what happens when some dude puts the random beat up bullet wound havin stripper from around the way in the studio thinking he can make some extra money off of her. and in the process she started to believe she could actually rap. so so sad.

that's the list. i'm sure some will disagree...feel free to leave a comment (even an anonymous one if you want) with your opinion of who should of been on the list or honorable mentions or if you actually think one of these 5 can rap go ahead and leave some proof why. leave a quotable or a song where they said anything remotely hot and i'll send you $20 bucks. lol.

peace.

creative...

ok...first let me just say that mediatakeout.com is nonsense and only good for killing a few minutes when you have ABSOLUTELY nothing else to do. (you can check earlier posts for my thoughts on the site).

however...every now and then they give you a few "wtf is that" moments with the crazy shit people send in. the pictures below are a good example. (here's the link to the original story if the pictures don't show up...that's what i get for linking to a bootleg ass website)























ok...so the girl is ugly as hell and yeah it may be a bit tacky but i like the creativity and where her head is at.

depending on her career choice this could be a calling card. the magnificent clapping butterfly lol. i will admit i just want to see her flap the wings one time. i mean...if you're going to get a tattoo like this you better know how to make it clap.

very tacky...but on a cuter girl i might have to see if i could talk her into making the wings flap for me. not to mention...my favorite position would give me a great view of the artwork and also entertain me while adding to the experience. i salute this girl...not for being tacky by having the ass all out at the club or for wearing those pants with no draws...and no not for looking like she stinks...but for her effort and creativity to add something new to the ass shaking culture that is overrun in music right now. for having a good idea in theory that might be hot on a cuter...less trick-ish girl. lol.

if she looked cuter in the face...any guy that says he wouldn't hit it at least once just to see for himself what it's like to hit a butterfly from the back is a liar. shit...8 out of 10 guys would still hit even with the way she does look. as Deion Sanders put it..."the ugly ones are usually the ones with the booty." (shout out to those who watch the Deion & Pilar show...for those who don't you have no idea what you're missing).

peace.

the difference between soul food and slave food...

a new study released recently had a headline that stated "rates of circulatory woes in blacks still a puzzle."

some other sites linked to the article with the headline saying the "medical study says blacks still more likely to have problems with blood circulation and heart issues" and problems with their arteries etc etc.

now...i don't know what you believe or what you've heard but it's probably the same shit i've grown up hearing from older black people (and a few younger ones). but let me just clear the air with some truth...

NO...black people are not more susceptible to heart disease or clogged arteries or circulatory issues. there is nothing in black people that makes us more likely to get these issues. the ONLY reason blacks are more likely to actually HAVE these problems is because of the shit we eat...period.

a lot of the "traditional" foods we eat are horrible for us and are things i don't think anyone was ever supposed to eat. there's a difference between soul food and slave food.


SOUL FOOD: traditional foods such as collard greens, fried chicken, black eyed peas and red beans & rice.

SLAVE FOOD: things slaves ate because they had no other choice or options such as pigs feet, chitterlings (chitlins), hog mogs (what the fuck is a hog mog?! does this shit even SOUND like something we should be eating? seriously)

see...both groups have been passed down generation to generation. and so to has heart disease, high blood pressure and clogged arteries. not because black people have weaknesses to these diseases but because we eat so much of the shit that CAUSES these things. it's like smoking...lets say that only chinese people smoked more than any other culture. would there be reports that say "chinese people still more likely to have cancer and lung disease...reasons behind the trend are still a puzzle."

no there wouldn't because people could connect the dots...cigarettes = lung cancer. but for some reason we've run around clueless and retarded like it's not that obvious with us. cooking everything you eat with fat back and salt pork and lard = high blood pressure and clogged arteries and diabetes. shit if anything the latter is an easier correlation to prove than the connection between smoking and lung disease.

so...please...as a people...can we stop with all this nonsense about black people being genetically prone to have these issues and start taking care of ourselves. eat better. be smarter. just because something was done in the past doesn't mean it's a good tradition. they hung us in the streets in the past. people thought the earth was flat in the past. women voting and black people reading were both unheard of in the past. just because someone used to believe or do something doesn't mean it was a good idea. a lot of the things some of us eat today our ancestors only ate because they had no choice. i honestly don't think anyone is supposed to eat some of the stuff we eat.

learn the difference between soul food and slave food and take care of yourself and stop believing and spreading this nonsense about "black people's health issues a mystery and a puzzle" because it's not.

wtf?! vol V

couple of quick wtf items i came across online. not sure who (or why) would buy these things but some are nasty and some are just wierd...some are just interesting but all of them give you that wtf feeling at first glance.

bacon floss

yup. it's bacon. and it's floss. at first i thought it was just bacon-flavored...but the product site says that it's not suitable for vegetarians so i'm assuming there's some sort of actual pork in there somewhere. not sure if it's bacon string or just the "essence" of bacon for flavor but either way the whole clean feeling you get from flossing probably doesn't work when you're basically rubbing your gums and teeth with bacon grease. kind of defeats the purpose of flossing doesn't it? maybe no one is supposed to actually use this stuff? who knows. the way i look at it is it's your money. knock yourself out.

line furniture system

this actually looks kind of cool depending on how you freak it and what else you have in your house to compliment it. this is pretty much as minimal as furniture gets. the design is a single continuous metal wire that forms a working lamp, coat hook, shelving, wine rack and a cd rack. that's a lot of stuff in one let alone with one single metal wire. you can get it at Aykut Erol's official site.


underwater treadmill

need to run underwater? or need some hydro therapy but you don't have a pool or gym to go to then this might work. although...if you can afford this i don't know how you don't have a pool. it has jets for extra resistance and inclined settings so you can be running underwater AND uphill maybe 24 hour fitness will start carrying them. THAT would be worth watching not just to see honeys in work out clothes running (don't act like it's just me) but to see how many people bust their ass trying to get out of it after running in water for an hour.

that nu-nu...vol I

admittedly...i'm not that into fashion (to the point where i watch fashion tv or any of the reality shows about top designers etc) but i do like to get fresh and keep it fly on a regular basis (plus i have a subscription to GQ, Vibe, Complex and King magazine so i'm certified upscale fly while keeping it respectably hood...both a hustler mentality and a scholarly gentleman married with perfection). lol. plus i like seeing my people look good so on occassion i'll be posting some hot items that i will be referring to as that nu-nu.

there won't be any crazy shit like ice cream shoes or shirts (ugliest most overpriced tacky shit i've ever seen in my life) or denim suits or matching short sets (why does every rap-owned clothing label come out with a denim suit or a short set? this is what people buy when they have no style and need shit pre-matched for them) and of course no all-over-print hoodies...this is fly shit for grown ass people...those other things are tacky and played if you're over 12 years old. also...if you are a grown ass man and wearing anything with glitter on it or that looks like someone made it with a ghetto bedazzler you need your ass whooped. period. moving on...

so "nu-nu" for those unaware is a hood term for whatever the newest hottest items/things are on the market. so with that said...this is a little bit of that nu-nu for the summer.

1. time pieces

Philippe Starck watches for Fossil. they're actually based on a design Starck debuted in 2004's holiday season but he's made a new line with 3 watches for the guys and a single watch for women in different color variations.


2. some smell good

smells are a big part of attraction for me (and i know people are in to different things but i've never heard anyone say they like musty honeys so i'm sure i'm not the only one). so here are a few ideas of something fresh to spray on after you wash your ass.

Guerlain Acqua Allegoria Herba Fresca perfume

for the honeys that want a fresh...clean scent. it's actually infused with lemons and herbs. an invigorating mix of lily and cyclamen (whatever that is). good choice for a first date or going out.



Prada Metallic Limited Edition perfume

if you want more of a classic scent this metal box with the fabric label will work. a sandalwood oil base and patchouli leaves (NO IDEA what that is but it sounds sexy...say it with me...patchouli) makes for a sophisticated fragrance reminiscent of other Prada scents.


Jo Malone Lotus Blossom & Water Lily cologne

this cologne is actually based on Jo Malone's interpretation of Kohdo, an ancient Japanese incense ceremony that energizes the wearer and also invigorates the sexual urges of the woman with a use of natural scents to stimulate the hormones. mix of mandarin, lotus blossom, bamboo and aloeswood comes together for a very clean refreshing scent.

Susanne Lang Vanilla Coconut perfume

a mix of Tahitian vanilla, coconut and pineapple meet fig leaf and red torch ginger (don't know if i'm supposed to be horny or hungry?) to create a tropical spa-like scent. for the honeys that want to smell a little exotic or tropical. again...not sure if this will make a man want to talk to you or eat you but i guess both could be a good thing right?

that's it for now. i'll put some other stuff up later. i don't really think i'll be doing a lot of clothing items since styles vary and what you're into is your own choice. i'll be dealing more with accessories and fly things to accent your own style and upgrade your fresh.

sidenote: yes...i realize i put 3 perfumes and only one cologne but...seeing as how i care more about what the honeys smell like it made sense to me. any guys wanting a few tips on some good items to keep in the collection check out any Lacoste's scents, FCUK Him by French Connection UK, Very Sexy for Him by Victoria Secret and the classic Dolce.

stay away from Joop (unless you're over 56 and want to hit the Townhouse or the VFW) and Burberry (played out and even the real stuff is starting to smell bootleg).

peace.

wtf?! vol IV

you have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

ok...really quickly...anyone here read or watch The Boondocks by Aaron McGruder? if not you should check it out (the show and the comic strips).

one of the subjects they've addressed is how B.E.T basically is one of the worst networks on television. they claim to be all about entertainment for Black people but what B.E.T does more than anything is show us in our worst light and caters to the most ignorant of what Black Americans are with shows about crack head mothers, Black people arguing in the street like fools in front of their kids, (i.e. Keyshia Cole's reality show) supposed college shows that show everything EXCEPT these muthafuckas going to class or doing anything even remotely school related (i.e. College Hill), and overall the network looks like a low budget, public access station with shitty, ghetto versions of MTV shows with an extra dose of coonery.

coonery (coo-nuh-ree) Slang. anything that one or more persons of color or African descent do that embarrasses ALL people of color or African descent.

basically...B.E.T is a network for people of color yet it shows absolutely nothing that is uplifting, educational, enlightening or even remotely positive about Black people. it is basically a network that shows us at our worst and offers evidence of every negative stereotype Black people have yet to overcome.

they're actually owned by Viacom (same company that owns MTV and VH1) yet the production quality is nowhere near those other two networks. why? because niggas will watch anything you put in front of them. and because they can put in less time, less effort, less money and thros some bullshit together and niggas will watch it because it's on t.v. and it's for us right? i mean...what other explanation could you possibly come up with?

now...i understand that some of our people are this way and they exist. but to only profile these depictions of us as a people is careless and only helps support the stereotypes that we claim we're tired of having to overcome. it's a damn shame when a Black network that claims to be for Black people and is mainly run by Black people has absolutely no quality programming for Black people that doesn't highlight how we love to embarrass ourselves.

now...for those of you who wish to make the argument that B.E.T does highlight us in a good light and doesn't cater to the ignorant embarrassing parts of our culture and doesn't support coonery...you just lost that argument.

i read today that B.E.T has nominated mediatakeout.com for a B.E.T award. yes...i'm serious.

that's like nominating TMZ.com or the National Enquirer for an Academy Award. or like nominating Soulja Boy or Shawty Low for Grammy Awards (i think they both did actually get nominated for B.E.T awards...if they haven't...i'm sure they will).

the point is...any self respecting network (Black White or Purple) would never nominate a website that basically posts any and every piece of hearsay, nonsense, hate and bullshit they can get their hands on for a fucking award.

i swear...i love my people and i know why a lot of us are in the position we're in today and we have to work so hard but when you see shit like this it's hard to justify us being "held back" by anyone but ourselves.

B.E.T...aka coonery on demand.

5 women you couldn't pay me to sleep with...

two coworkers of mine were having a conversation about standards and casual sex and how women still (usually) have standards and men will fuck anything that moves. now...while this is true in many cases we get a bad wrap. many men do have standards and won't sleep with any woman that lets them. shit...in today's society if it's too easy to get the draws off tell her to put them back on cause something is wrong. (there are cases where two mature people agree to have a one night stand based on circumstances but that's usually out of town or in vegas...the busted chic you took home from the savoy after buying her two drinks doesn't count...that was different...she was a hoe).

anyway...in light of the idea of us having standards i present to you a list of 5 women who you couldn't pay me to sleep with. (unless of course we're talking $500,000 plus...then i might have to make an exception for at least one or two of them). hey...i have bills and retiring at 27 would be the shit.

1. New York (Tiffany) from I Love NY

it's not that she's SUPER ugly (she's not cute either but i'm trying to give her credit) or even the fact that she looks like one of the muppets. she actually has an ok shape since she's been on tv and made a little money. updgraded the breasts and got a little shape to her.

no...the reason she makes this list is because she looks like she smells like burnt weave (what exactly is that smell and where does it come from? why would you buy a weave then burn it ladies?) cigarettes and old tuna fish.

i couldn't kiss her (or anyone that smokes)...and something tells me by the time i got close enough to hug her i'd smell all i needed to to ruin the mood. so that's why she's on the list.

sidenote: her mother is of course also on the list but i thought i'd keep this list to women under 76.

depending on how bad the smell was i might consider moving her off the list for that $500,000. but if they tried to take taxes out then the deal is off.

2. Lil Kim

little kim actually might of missed this list a few years back (like 6 years back). the fucked up surgery put her in the top 10. the bleaching her skin on top of all that puts her EASILY in the top 5.

just look at the before and the after. there's no way you could pay me enough to fuck Lil Kim at this point. not just because she looks like a cross between the Joker, Chucky and Countess Vaughn but because frankly Lil Kim scares me. i think the thought of accidentally opening my eyes or forgetting to cover up one of the mirrors in the room would result in me being traumatized during the act and frankly i'm just not willing to risk that.

3. Amy Winehouse

do i really need to explain this one?

aside from being a crack head. aside from weighing 53lbs soaking wet with rocks in her pockets and timberland boots on look at her.

look at the picture.

seriously. what am i supposed to say to make why you couldn't pay me enough money to sleep with her more obvious than the picture makes it? what could i possibly say in words that would make it more evident.

and the fucked up part is she got famous singing a song about not going to rehab cause her dad said she's fine. when now it's only become more obvious her ass should of been there a year ago.

4. Wendy Williams

Wendy Williams is a man. period.

ignore the big ass fake breasts and pay attention to the jaw bone...that adam's apple and the voice. the facts speak for themselves. no one other than the doctor that delivered her and the gigantic amazon woman that birthed her could tell me different. Tyler Perry looks more feminine as Madea then she does at all (granted...Tyler Perry looks more feminine as Tyler Perry but that's another subject).

look at Russell Simmons in the picture. he's scared as shit! that's fear in his eyes. he was married to Kimora Lee Simmons. she's over 6 feet tall! so he's used to standing next to and even wrestling with big ass women. but he's scared out his mind and probably pissed in his phat farms standing next to Wendall Williams.

no way. not enough money on earth. for me to fuck Wendy Williams i'd have to be blindfolded...high out of my mind...all lights would need to be off...the moon couldn't even be out. fuck that. i don't even want to be able to make out a silhouette. even then i'd need some coaching and at least a bottle of patron room temperature. all that and i would CONSIDER it. we still might have to work out a few details. i think i just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

5. Floetry

usually most men would be all about a threesome but i think i'll pass this time.

now before any of the ladies hit me with how beautiful these women are on the inside and how their voices are so lovely...1. we're not talking about their album and 2. who cares how pretty the inside is if the outside scares you off from 10 feet away?

i like Floetry. and "say yes" is one of the sexiest songs of all time but that doesn't change the fact that the girl on the left looks like Michael Strahan...a defensive lineman from the New York Giants...and the one on the right looks like Buttaman from "Hood Fab" in drag (as if he didn't look weird enough already).

those uncanny family (i hope they're related because if not then they just look like ugly men for no apparent reason) resemblances are the main reason they make this list. i don't think they could sing or rap their way out the bucket of ugly they're in so we'll round off the list with these two.

peace.

mediatakeout.com...my thoughts...

i'm sure everyone knows what mediatakeout.com is so i won't go too far into it. it's basically a website that posts any and every piece of gossip nonsense and bullshit they can get their hands on with 1.3% legitimate entertainment news MAX.

a friend put me up on the site a while back and i checked it a few times but then i noticed a pattern. every day there'd be two updates on some entertainment news...some interesting...some funny some whatever...followed by 8 posts about who was busted and who wasn't...which got me to thinking...whoever is behind this site is in SERIOUS denial about being a hater.

for instance...today's update has a story on Young Buck releasing a diss track against 50 Cent after 50 put a phone conversation with Young Buck crying on the internet earlier this week...i know...priceless...and definitely falls into both the funny and the entertaining categories. but then they also posted stories on the following:

1. Usher's new baby (damn...Angelina Jolie gets millions from a magazine and the best Ursher can do is mediatakeout? talk about fucked up)

2. Teyana Taylor & Rihanna bumpin peaches (uh...first why do i care? second...is it really that shocking for a celebrity to be gay or a lesbian in 2008? seriously though)

3. 50 Cent changing his name to 99 Cent for Taco Bell ads (i know some don't like the term i'm about to use but it expresses my sentiments too perfectly to substitute something else so...nigga PLEASE)

4. Angie Stone saying Jill Scott and Macy Gray get movie roles over her because they're "light skinned" (ok Angie baby...first...Jill can actually act...second...Jill is a healthy girl but she's pretty...in the face...let the shit go...you're D'angelo's baby momma...you can sing but i think more people know you from Celebrity Fit Club than your "soul brother" single)

5. Robert from Day 26 being spotted with some honey in different clubs (again...it's 2008 and it's the music industry...who ISN'T fucking around? he tried to holla at D Woods on the show then said he didn't talk to his boo anymore and proposed to the same girl that used to make him look like a chump and expose his bitchassedness in the first season of the show...so what did you think he was doing?)

now all these can still fit nicely into the funny or interesting category. but the list of posts that are just dumb as hell are the posts about Ashanti wearing butt pads, or how bald headed Naomi Campbell is, or how ugly Alicia Keys' mom is, or how busted Joy Bryant's outfit is, or how Meagan Good had the wrong foundation on...seriously? you actually devoted some space on your site to what foundation a chick has on and if Naomi has a weave or not? FOR REAL?

now what do the women above have in common? they're all generally regarded as attractive women. which leads me to believe that at least half the staff there are a few busted bitter bitches sitting around looking for honeys to hate on. cause they don't call out wolf-looking chics like the girl that raps in Keyshia Cole's "shoulda let you go" video or New York and her goblin-lookin ass mother. they hate on Halle for not losing baby weight. seriously?

i'm willing to bet anyone a grand that none of the women behind mediatakeout weighs less than 250lbs with no change in their pockets and flip flops on.

with ALL that said...this is who i think is behind mediatakeout.com:

Sinceer from Flavor of Love 3 (the one with the Klingon forehead)...she was always hating on someone in the house that looked better than her.


Frangela from vh1's Best Week Ever (the two big girls that love talking about how busted celebrities are...i didn't even know these heffa's had a group name...wtf is that about?)

Angie Stone (since she's obviously officially registered her hater license)


a few of the ugly girls on myspace that swear they have haters when they're just wack and New York's mom Sister Patterson (whom i refuse to put a picture of out of fear that i might have nightmares).

i for one am over mediatakeout.com but i respect another's hustle so hate on ladies.

hate on with ya ugly asses.

the get it finger??

remember in elementary school girls used to play this game where they'd fold a piece of paper into a triangular puppet looking thing they opened and closed to answer questions or tell you your future? (yes girls we went along with it but 9 times out of 10 it was you that folded the paper and counted/wrote everything to get the answers at the end).

anyway...that game with the folded paper where you open close open close to answer random questions. remember? it was like the broke kid's magic eightball basically. the hood notebook paper origami fortune teller.

so...some company has apparently taken it to the next level and made an oven mitt (called the "get it finger"...which is just too easy for me to run a completely different direction with it but i'll leave that alone) based on that childhood game. i'm sure some people would love to get their hands on this and think it's the cutest shit ever so the company's website is listed below the picture. i just thought it was hilarious what people can sell nowadays.

i'm sure someone you know is buying this at urban outfitters at this very moment.


http://www.bookofjoe.com/get-it-finger

wtf?! vol III

first...just look at the picture below. any idea what it is?

any idea at all? i'll give you a minute. think beyond the obvious.

this is the new "nagging navigation and safety system" by the iX Research Corp. yes...i said nagging and navigation.

this is a verbal navigation system that works much the same way on-star navigation systems do with turn by turn directions. the difference? if this little system senses you driving erratically it begins to "scold" you. if the hard braking and crazy turning continues the bear will actually get louder and start "nagging you" i'm assuming until you either stop driving crazy, or pull over and choke the shit out this little thing.

why it's shaped like a teddy bear is COMPLETELY beyond me. japanese people. go figure. either way this DEFINITELY deserved a wtf moment when i read it.

word of the day...

ok...someone already emailed me and asked what the bg's are. so i figured i'd go ahead and get this out the way as the word of the day.

bg's (bee-geez) Slang. also knows as bubble guts. a bubbling sensation in the stomach that alerts you before your ass explodes. a gurgling feeling that typically calls for frequent (extended) trips to the nearest toilet. often the result of eating something that doesn't agree with one's stomach i.e. taco bell spicy chicken, pink's chili dogs, krystal's (or white castle...depending on your region), etc.

make sense?

productdose...

so my friend put me up on this site called "productdose" that basically finds the craziest shit on the market that people are actually selling (and buying) and puts it online for people to see. just looking around for 5 minutes i came across some crazy items. i put a quick few of them below.

digital usb pot. the digital screen on the side tells you how your plant is "feeling." so the frowning face for instance means "water me you neglectful son of a bitch before i dry up and die." at least i think that's what it means. although...i'd be a little freaked out if i walked through the house at night and saw a bunch of little frowning faces all over the place.


glide toaster. ok...so...you slide the toast in one end. it glides through (while being toasted) and then ends up in the rack waiting to be buttered or jellied or whatever you do with your toast. my issue is...someone would be in the kitchen and mistake this for a dish rack and then i have soapy water in my toaster. so now my sandwiches all taste like soap which i'm assuming would lead to a bad case of the bg's (bubble guts for those not familiar with the bg's). still looks kind of cool though.


ora unica watch. this one i would actually buy. i have no idea how this works or how it looks at all times of the day but basically that little line in the middle is the minute hand and the longer end on the outside is the minute hand. the swirls vibrate or something to denote the seconds. and i know there are no numbers so if you put it on upside down (or with the invisible 12 where the invisible 6 should be) then you're pretty much fucked for the day.

like pulling teeth...

not really looking forward to next wednesday.

getting all 4 wisdom teeth pulled at the same time. so this will effectively be my last weekend with solid foods or certain food/drinks. thank god it's a busy one. then a two day work week next week followed by...

what i think happened...

a friend of mine emailed me the story below:

after reading it we emailed back and forth about how funny it was and what was this 64 year old woman thinking. (click the link and read the story first...it's not that long)

so...i responded with what I thought happened. how i thought it all went down. so this might be the first of me taking a news story where the facts aren't all there and giving my version or what i think went down. i'll find stories with blanks in them and fill in those blanks with what i think happened. because i have a blog now so i can do that if i feel like it.

so first...read the news story at the link below...then check below for what they're not telling you. or the whole story. raw and uncut!

the news story: http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/state/20080605-1015-ca-odd-gasprotest-fires.html

my version:

Na…I’ll tell you exactly how it happened.

Old ass gangsta 64 year old Ruth Hollingsworth woke up Wednesday morning and decided to drive down to the liquor store and pick herself up some lotto tickets.

Upon starting her teal and red (door was repainted) 1983 crescida she realized she was low on gas. Now…she didn’t bring too much money cause she was just planning on picking up a few scratchers, some ripple, some seeds and some bigarrettes (yes…bigarrettes). When she saw how much gas was she said “oh HELL no…they must be out they muthafuckin mind if they think I’m payin fo’ thirty five to fill betsy (her whip) up. This is some BULLSHIT! I got these muthafuckas.”

So instead she busted a left and the light and went up in piggly wiggly’s and bought 11 fire logs with her seed and ripple money. She hit the gas station she passed first. Then another one. Then she realized she didn’t stop and get her ripple and seeds so she thought “let me run up in this starbucks and get something to sip on while I’m settin shit off this morning.” Now…Ruth is white but she’s a little hood so when she said medium and the girl at the counter started arguing about venti grande latte bullshit Ruth said “you know what…fuck the coffee. I’ll be RIGHT BACK” and she decided to blow THAT muthafucka up.

She boned out of there and went to Mickey D’s cause they have some pretty good coffee but then THEY told her “it’s 1034…we stop serving breakfast at 1030.” Once again…someone had tested Ruth’s gangsta on the wrong day. So…being the rider that she is she said “you know what…fuck you…fuck that big bitch over there on fries…fuck the retarded son of a bitch working drive thru and FUCK RONALD MCDONALD TOO! I’m finna blow THIS muthafucka up.”

But by this time the police had spotted that two tone crescidea & ran up on her in the line at the Mickey D's. End of story.

so that's MY version of what happened. you see the article didn't even know why she tried to blow up the starbuck's but i already knew. i already figured out how Ruth worked. and yes i know they said Diane in the article but that's the fake name she gave the cops. gangstas do that. never give your real name to the feds. ride or die! snitches get stitches!

WHAT?!

is this it?

sigh...

well...now seems like a good a time as any to introduce you to a new word you may see from time to time on this blog. i already introduced you to the term "snake-butt" in my wtf?! vol II post but i want to take this time to introduce you all to a new term i use from time to time.

coonery (coo-nuh-ree) Slang. anything that one or more persons of color or African descent do that embarrasses ALL people of color or African descent.

make sense? maybe you need a few examples...















i thought about putting captions or comments on each picture but i don't really think it's necessary at this point. most of this shit speaks for itself.

these are all good examples of coonery. things we as black people do to embarrass ourselves. it's not cute, it's sad that's it's funny but it is at times because at some point all you can do is laugh and shake your head.

i know we've come a long way. we have a black president hopeful right now. we have several black professional sports team owners and co-owners. the numbers of black college graduates has gone up over previous years (in the last 3). so we're doing better than you'd think by watching tv or searching the net. the problem is there are still a lot of us out there that don't even realize they're walking embarrassments. making us all look bad.

people not raising their kids. people on Maury dancing about the fact that this hoe's child isn't his but no one realizes these are the people raising these kids. like the people on myspace who have their kids in fitted caps and a diaper throwin up gang signs or the middle finger. that shit is played.

it's not cute anymore. misspelling words on purpose isn't cute anymore. being ignorant or having no sense isn't cute anymore. the fact that your 2 year old can p pop on a handstand but can't count to 10 isn't cute anymore. it's a god damn shame. cause seriously...what are you or your child contributing to society?

now i know there are white people out there hoeing and embarrassing themselves as well but i'm not white. i'm black mexican and chinese so right now i'm talking to MY people. i'm addressing US. just cause someone else doesn't have their shit together doesn't mean it's ok for you not to.

it may seem harsh but look at some of the shit we do. this isn't white people holding us back or society oppressing us. this is US holding us back. yeah i know all the ramifications of slavery and disenfranchised family structures and the lower education standards in the ghettos of America but people...that doesn't mean you can't stand up and educate yourself and/or your children and make yourself a strong example of what a proud race is supposed to look like.

we complain that we have nothing but if we put half the effort into our mental wealth as we do our rims, chains, clothes and shoes we might start to have something. go through a nice neighborhood in your city. you'll see beautiful homes with toyota camry's, nissan maxima's, corrolla's, maybe a bmw in the drive way. now go through the hood and watch how many cadillac escalades you see on rims in front of a raggedy ass apartment where the driver lives with his momma, baby momma (cause they're not together and can't stand each other but they're still fuckin), his two kids and their sick grandfather.

put some money into property. a business besides a bootleg ass record label with one artist that is fucking garbage. stop having 5 kids by 4 different people when you can barely pay your bills. i know we went through a lot and we still go through a lot on a daily basis but at what point will we as a people stop making excuses why we are where we are and start manning up and DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT? when?

is this what all those slaves died and fought for? is this what Malcom X fought for? is this what Martin Luther King, Jr got his ass kicked for and died for? is this what Nelson Mandela lived for? is this the race of people Harriet Tubman traveled all that way over and over again to save? is this what Sally Hemmings was raped for? is this what our people fought for?

is it?

damn...this started off as a definition of a term and ended somewhere else. i apologize for the rant but i'm passionate about this subject because it's my people and i hate to see how re continue to embarrass ourselves while other people sit back and nod thinking "i knew they were like that...i told you we don't need to respect them...because they don't even respect themselves."

people...GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER. wake up and make your parents and your ancestors proud of who you are and what you are and stop being a walking embarrassment to your family and your people as a whole.

being an adult and going out and partying and having fun and living life to its fullest is cool. that's not the problem. having kids and not raising them is. if you spend more time in the club than you do bettering yourself as a person that's a problem. if you spend more on your rims than you do on your home that's a problem. if you haven't read a book in the last 5 years that is a problem. if you don't know what's going on in the world around you and can't name the people shaping our lives but you can name every girl on Flavor of Love season 1 through season 3 that is a problem. if you read this long ass post and still don't get it...that's a problem.

peace.